You made the decision to divorce. Or it could be the other way around. Your significant other decided that they didn't want to be with you anymore and they chose to leave, or you had no choice but to leave. Either way..here you are.
Been there. So first let me say that I am so sorry. Even if it was necessary or it meant your life depended on it (abuse, etc), this is still hard. So I just want you to know that I am right here with you during this journey of healing and rebuilding. Also, know that you have absolutely got this and you will be better than ever. This is not the end of your story. It is just part of it. Let's turn the page together on this chapter and rewrite a whole new one.
And this time, you get to call the shots.
First, a little bit of reality for you. You are going to need to make a game plan. You won't be able to rebuild anything without some sort of idea on which direction you want to head in and where you want to end up. You have to create a blueprint. You should be flexible, and sometimes the plans we have created will require our patience and our resilience and flexilibity, but you should still have a plan regardless.
This is especially true if you are a woman who is over 40, perhaps has been out of the workforce for a long time raising a family, and you don't currently have any income of your own. The stats tell us that women are deeply impacted financially during divorce, more than men, and it can take women longer than men to financially recover after divorce. On average, men's standard of living increases by 33%, while women's drops by about 20%. Granted, there are multiple of reasons why this can happen. That doesn't mean it is not frustrating (or downright infuriating) especially since most of the time, women are staying home to take care of the community (household responsibilities, children, etc).
We all know that time isn’t always what we have a lot of. Add a lack of funds to that list and you have a real problem. Women can experience increasing levels of anxiety, stress, pressure and depression due to the compounding effect of having to manage a family without the support of a spouse AND busting your behind in order to make more income to support your family.
While going through my own divorce a few years ago, I had zero to my name. To give you some perspective on my world at the time, here is what I will tell you:
I was making $13/hr at a family law firm (full time). My ex husband was no longer working and was trying to get in to the police academy.
He and I had a joint checking account at the time, and every time my paycheck would go in, it would be eaten up by overdraft fees because he was constantly withdrawing money from the account. So, any bills that were on auto-pay would go through, therefore leaving my account in the red, and my money going to pay overdraft fees.
Upon the advice of someone close to me, after discovering quite a few, difficult to swallow truths, I opened up a separate checking account in my name and starting depositing my paychecks in to that account.
Ex still did not have work lined up and would not be employed until nearly a year after this happened. He also was not watching our children while I was at work (always away from home).
In October of 2018, we were evicted from the rental home we had been living at for three years.
He and I separated on February 15, 2019. I filed for divorce on October 23, 2019 (our wedding anniversary).
My parents had given my youngest sister's car to me so that I could drive to work. It blew up on the freeway on my way to the office one morning and was going to cost $9,000 to fix it. The car was not worth that much to begin with and I had $11 left in my bank account to get me through the next month.
I was not being provided any financial support from my ex during this time. I am talking specifically child support here. I had the children the majority of the time, and he was still not working. (Whether this was intentional in order to avoid paying support, I don't really care to dwell on that now. Things are good now).
My credit was in the tank. It literally needed to be revived in some way. The good news is that I had no consumer debt or student loan debt. I was relatively debt free with the exception of the eviction judgment amount that needed to be paid.
By late 2019, I was making $15/hr. Hurray! Things were looking up!
March 2020, Covid struck. I was sent home from my job and had to go on unemployment for a few months. Booo. That gave me emotional whiplash and I became depressed.
Leaping forward a little bit, I got a plan to build my credit, found a higher paying place of employment, finalized my divorce, got my own apartment for myself and my kids, met an amazing man, fell in love, got engaged and getting married this coming September!
Also, after working in family law for five years, I am now embarking on a new career with greater earning potential (think nearly unlimited), and in a better financial place than I have been in years. Retirement plan, investment plan, savings plan. Life plan.
Key word: Plan.
As you can see from above, things got worse before they got better. Granted, there are a lot of details left out because honestly, I am not wanting to paint this ugly picture of my ex husband. He made a lot of mistakes, as did I. Our marriage did not work out, but he and I have kids together. So while we are not besties, we are co-parents and he and I are doing pretty good.
My mental and emotional health did take a massive dip in the negative due to the stress and anxiety that I was experiencing at that time. If you have ever had to go through a holiday season and not be able to provide your kids with anything as a gift, or have to wait until your child support comes in to buy your kids what they need (new clothes, shoes, items for school, etc), you can understand what I am saying. It is heartwrenching and I lost many nights of sleep just laying awake and staring up at the ceiling wondering when, if ever, the tide would turn in our favor. I NEVER, EVER, want to go through that again.
And I want to help you as you navigate through your own season.
But, as I stated at the very beginning of this post, you must have a plan. Change will not happen without a blueprint, and it will not happen without consistent action. Do not stop when it gets hard. Do not stop when it feels like you are moving two steps forward, then two steps back. Cry, a little, but keep going.
In part two, I will share what I personally did to rebuild my own life. Some of what I did will work for you, others may not. That's okay. This is a personal journey. Your own journey. Take what I share and go for it.
Rooting you on, babe!
Your Dream BuildHer Bestie,
Tiffany Rhea
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