My daughter recently moved out.
That sounds unnecessarily dramatic, as she just moved a little over an hour away in to the home I grew up in to live with my parents. They are so excited to have her. It must feel like a full circle moment for them. They have been empty nesters for nearly seven years, after my baby brother moved out. Madi will be starting her first year in college in a couple of weeks, and she wanted to get acclimated to her new surroundings and hometown before school starts.
I didn't feel any sort of intense emotion and there were no tears until after I had said goodbye to her and left to go back to my home. This time, she wasn't going to come with me. She now has a new space to call home.
Everyone knew this day was coming. In fact, once Madi got her class schedule, she informed us of the date she would be moving out and we all began preparing. While she was preparing her boxes and furniture to be transported to a new location, I was preparing mentally and emotionally for the day. I have a tendency to guard my emotions. I keep them close to the vest. My fiance is very different as he is readily and often close to tears whenever something touches his heart. Me, on the other hand, I fear folks wonder if I am some sort of sociopath who cannot express tenderness. I am incredibly sensitive. I just don't allow many folks to see that part of me.
All that to say I prepared myself for the move. I wanted to be present with her. I didn't want to be dramatic and crying and acting hysterical. I wanted to be supportive and caring and helpful. This was about her. It was not about me. Choosing to go out into the world and discover what is in store for you.....choosing to grow up and follow your dreams is exactly what we have been praying for ever since she started kindergarten. She is a dreamer as well. She is also practical, an old soul, incredibly methodical and slow moving and you cannot rush her to do anything she is not yet ready to do. So the fact that when she made her decision to truly move out and go forward was all her idea. We encouraged, yes. We tried to gently move her forward because we didn't want her to feel rushed or behind.
However, I knew that no matter what I said or how lovingly I nudged, if she wasn't ready to do it, we could not make her. Unless, of course, we kicked her out and forced her to live on her own.....but I don't think that would have done anything but create resentment. Yes, she would have figured it out. The sink or swim approach doesn't always work out how we think it does.
So now, my girl is out and living in a new city and taking in her new surroundings. Some suggestions for parents who are also experiencing their child heading out for college:
Remember that this isn't about you. You did the hard work, mama. Everything you have prayed for, worked for, moved mountains for, encouraged, and even paid for has come to this. You prepared them for this. They are ready, even if they seem a little afraid and even if they might appear hesitant. This is a big deal. Chances are, they have been waiting for this moment as well. Remember when you turned 18 and you graduated from high school? The world suddenly seemed incredibly large and daunting, looming with possibilities and dangers. Who knew what the future would hold? They are thinking of every scenario, outcome, and ending. Encourage them.
Be present on the day they move. I know you will want to cry and be hysterical and mourn. Tears are absolutely okay. This is your baby. But don't make your emotions the center of the day. You will have a lot to do, like helping them set up their dorm, apartment, etc. Your kiddo will probably be very excited to make their space their own, so if they ask for your input and help, jump on it.
Do not micromanage what they are choosing and not choosing to take with them. I struggled with this because obviously, there are things that hold some sentimental value. However, you child may choose to move on from those items and they may not hold the same emotional value to them as they do you. If their room does now allow space for the dresser they had when they were a baby, just leave it. It probably means more to you than it does to them. Same goes for art work, photos, etc.
Provide them with your favorite meals/recipes that they can recreate in their new home. I paid attention to the meals that got a lot of praise. Madi had asked me to send her the ones she loved so she can learn to cook. She knows how to make basic mac and cheese, and use the microwave, but I do want her to learn how to utilize a stove and feed herself and others. Cooking is an incredible skill that a lot of young people don't dive in to until they are truly on their own. I want her to start now while she is living with my parents. If you are super crafty, you can create a cookbook to gift, or buy one (or two) for them to have.
Pray for them and encourage them. This is probably a no brainer, but when I left Madi that day, after having moved all of her stuff in, I just prayed. That was when the tears broke through (thank you Jesus for sunglasses) and I just prayed that she would feel prepared. That she would be excited. That she would find a job to help support her as she went after her dreams. That she would make friends. That she would fall in love with all of this newness, even when it proved challenging at times. You only get one life, and I prayed my daughter would create the one she dreams of in her mind. I also prayed for her safety, and that God, who loves her more than I do, would be in her heart always and that she would know that she can trust Him fully in everything.
You did it, Mama. Your sweet child is off to the real world. It is going to be amazing and I know your heart is tender right now. Take your kiddo out for lunch or dinner whenever you can and let them just share. Enjoy this time and encourage them to do the same.
Rooting for you and your now big kid!
Your Dream BuildHer Bestie,
Tiffany Rhea
P.S. I had to share this photo because it is so sweet and sad. It seems our cat, Tigger, is not quite sure what to do now that Madi is gone. Yes, she still had her christmas tree up. She says please do not judge her. LOL
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