Welcome to part two of this blog series. If you missed part one, head here. I provided some background into my own experience in rebuilding my life after going through my divorce back in 2019.
Today, I want to share with you what actions I took to repair the sections of my life, well-being and my financial health during the dissolution of my marriage. Everything rolls together and I knew deep down that if I wanted specific things to look different than they did currently, I was going to have to get a solid plan in place. I also sought advice from friends and professionals, which, if you know me, that is really difficult to for me to do. I prefer to figure things out on my own.
However, I was sinking quickly into the deepest hole I found myself in and I was desparate. Also, I was incredibly sad. A couple of years after the divorce, my oldest daughter told me that she used to hear me crying in my room at night and it made her feel bad. Hearing that broke my heart because at the time, I truly thought I was able to keep my pain hidden from everyone. Things are amazing now, and my children and I have an incredible relationship. Truly, we are tight. We had to fight through some seasons where we felt like we were toppling all over each other and annoying the heck out of each other, but we did it.
Together.
So, without further ado, allow me to dive into the second part of this series and equip you as you begin your journey.
The best really is yet to come. There is sunshine on the other side of all of this. You just have to be willing to walk through the rain a little bit.
First thing I did was go back to church and sign up for a small group.
Wait. What? Yes, you heard me correctly. Now, hear me out. I recognize that not everyone who will read this is necessarily spiritual or believes in religion or even a god of some sort. However, I am a christian woman. I have loved Jesus since I was 19 years old. My ex-husband was a pastor for 10 out of the 14 years he and I were together. Even with everything going on, and even when it was painful to step onto a church campus for awhile (it took me a whole year before I went back), I can tell you that I still trusted God and put a lot of faith that He would help me as I battled my way through everything. I had to face the truth that I was just not in a healthy place emotionally or spiritually. I really needed to be around like minded people. I needed community. This became especially true when in 2020, Covid hit and everyone was shut up inside their homes, void of physical contact from loved ones outside of their homes.
My point to this is that you need to take inventory of your mental and emotional health. You need to find your community. Even if it means you have to search for a new one. You may not want to be around a lot of people at this time because you are just not in the headspace to answer any questions that may come up. It is much easier to close up and do it all on your own. I remember my friend telling me, after being in the group for a little over a year and then being asked to co-lead, that she could tell that I was going through something, but I was not ready to share. She is one of my closest friends and I would not have met her had it not been for joining that group.
Your first action step is to take care of you, the person. Get therapy. Work out. Journal. More girls nights. Find a babysitter and get out of the house. Or, if your budget doesn't have a lot of room for going out at the moment (it won't be forever), host more friends in your home. Meditate. Pray.
The next thing I did was take a serious look at my bank account and financial situation.
Gulp It didn't look good. It was pretty sad actually. I was making more money than when I initially started at the firm, but it was not enough for me to get my own place. I was making $15/hour. I lived in Riverside County and one bedroom apartments were starting at around $1800/month, not including utilities. You also had to have at least 3x the income in order to qualify for a place, decent credit (or get a co-signer), and hoped that the apartment wasn't in a shady area where you might fear for yours and your children's safety. I recognize that other states may have higher or lower priced housing options, but I couldn't move out of state or too far out of the area I currently was at. I shared custody with dad.
I knew that I was going to have to figure out how to make more money. I also knew that I was going to have to rebuild my credit (it was atrocious). So here is what I actually did.
I started applying to new jobs within the legal field. I assessed that I would need about $20/hour, plus child support (which can count as income) if I wanted to rent a one bedroom apartment. A two bedroom was financially out of reach at the moment. So I started where I could. You have to be realistic. I had to be realistic. What was the closest financial goal I could reach. Regarding my income request, because my experience involved sales, I was specific in wanting to work at a place where I would obtain commissions/bonuses in addition to my regular pay.
I also looked for fun side gigs that I could do. Affiliate marketing and even direct sales were zero to low cost start up options and I could do them on my own time.
Speaking of financial goals, I had those written down. I journaled and I just did a basic google doc/spreadsheet detailing each goal (i.e. rent an apartment; reach a 700 credit score, etc), and then wrote out the action steps I was going to need to take in order to get there.
I started paying closer attention to my spending habits. I am a fan of "buying the darn latte", but I also knew that I was going to have to limit those purchases for a bit. Determining my values and what was "worth" spending money on and what could be saved for really helped me stay on track and stay focused on my biggest goal at the moment: having my own place. I am also a huge fan of a values based budget. Not everything that you enjoy purchasing falls in line with your top 2 or 3 values. Be specific and stay focused. It was challenging, and I wasn't perfect. But it helped me more than it hurt me.
I started educating myself on how to rebuild my credit and I downloaded free credit checking apps. Credit Karma and Experian are what I used and still use. I check my credit regularly. I even got a credit card (sorry not sorry, Dave Ramsey!) I needed to rebuild and repair and I sought out really good advice regarding the best way to do this.
I told people about my goals. When I told my family and my friends that I was looking for an apartment for myself and the kids, they knew I was a single mama and they were on the prowl for me. Not a week went by where I did not have a rental home/apartment sent my way. I heard no a lot, unfortunately. Remember, I unfortunately had an eviction on my lease history (it did not matter to them the reason why). So my search was a bit of a struggle. And I didn't have a ton of money. And I was a single mom (apparently that was a red flag....at least it was in my experience). So I had my work cut out for me. However, the happy ending is that I DID find a really cute little apartment for the three of us and I loved it.
WE loved it. My babies! This was back in 2021. They look so much older now.
There is something about achieving the very thing you busted your rear end for. Finding our home was not easy. The lease was in my name (no co-signer), and I didn't have to have approval from my ex in order to live there. I was going to be the one responsible for paying for this. My confidence from going through everything stated above shot through the roof.
If I could get through the worst and darkest days I had ever experienced and come out on top of the hill, then I could get through anything. This empowering to the nth degree and I remember telling myself back then that I would do everything in my power to help other women do and feel the same.
Taking care of yourself, highlighting some very specific goals, being realistic about your financial situation and deciding to change things is challenging, but is an opportunity you must take. It is going to be hard. You will hear a lot of no's. People can be mean, stupid, condescending and cruel. You will think you are progressing forward, until the world or life decides to smack you in the face and throw you backwards. It happens.
You are stronger and more capable than you may have been led to believe. I also think it is okay for you to express that you did not want this and it would be much easier if you did not have to rebuild your life this way in the first place. Girl, I HEAR YOU! However, you do find yourself in this place now, and you can't just sit and pout and cry about it. You got kids. You have to take care of yourself. Nothing will change by being angry at your ex and telling the world how much you hate him. That does not bring you any closer to your goals. It doesn't bring you any closure nor does it really help you heal. How is that rebuilding your life? Forgiving is a great place to start, and I plan on talking about that soon.
What is it that you really want in the long run? Answer that question first, and then start tearing down brick by brick.
You got this.
Your Dream BuildHer Bestie,
Tiffany Rhea
コメント