Forgiveness appears like a very bitter pill to swallow for most of us. While we are wading through the turbulent waters of pain, hurt, betrayal and struggling to heal, we are often asked....more like commanded that we forgive the person who hurt us.
We hear phrases such as:
"Unforgiveness only hurts you."
"Remember that the Lord forgave you, so you should forgive so and so."
"God is a loving, merciful and forgiving God, so you should do and act in the same manner."
"You don't need the other person to say that they are sorry in order for you to forgive them."
I am sure I could come up with more. However, notice these phrases aren't necessarily incorrect. They are actually true statements. My problem, and I am sure yours as well, is the timing and the attitude towards the one who is hurting when those statements are being made. I find that most of the time, individuals believe that it would be more helpful to help their friend or family member in pain try to recover from their hurts as quickly as possible in order to heal. I don't believe people are being malicious when they use these phrases. It is just that the timing may be wrong.
People who are hurting should be allowed to grieve and sit, for a bit, in their hurt. You have to feel it, and process it. If you don't understand or pay attention to your pain (which is trying to communicate to you...hello marvelous nervous system that God created!), how else will you then be able to work through it, heal from it and develop healthy boundaries and disciplines should that particular pain come through again. Let's face it. None of us are getting out of this life without experiencing pain and hurt. If you have managed to escape pain and betrayal and hurt, my guess is that you are either not a human or you are a sociopath and you are doing all the hurting.
Therefore, this post is probably NOT for you.
It is true that unforgiveness hurts us in the long wrong. That is the topic of this post and what I will be focusing on. Let me clarify one thing for you before you start defending why you can't forgive the person who hurt you. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to allow them back in to your life again. Boundaries are necessary and healthy and sometimes legally required! People confuse forgiveness and boundaries.
You can forgive an abusive parent, and choose not to have a relationship with them.
You can can forgive a relationship partner who cheated on you, lied to you, even abused you and choose to end the relationship. (I recognize that when coming out of abusive situations, this is incredibly challenging. Know this will not be an easy process. Please seek professional help through this. You are worth it.)
You can forgive a friend who took advantage of you and manipulated you, and betrayed you, and choose to not have a friendship with that person.
You can forgive your attacker, and choose to allow them to experience the legal repercussions of their crime against you.
You have probably heard the saying that unforgiveness is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die. Yet, we all know that if we ourselves drank poison, we would be affected.....not the offender.
So my question to you is, and I need you to really answer this. Why are you choosing to not forgive the offender in your life? I ask this question sincerely. I really want to know your answer. How is unforgiveness toward him or her, or the group of individuals benefiting you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually? If you are struggling here, it is okay to admit that. It is not easy to forgive someone who wrought such havoc on your heart and soul.
Just as rebuilding trust when broken takes time and intention, so does forgiveness. Every single day is a choice to live in that space. Every thought you have is an opportunity to take captive, and decide if you are going to let the negative thoughts and anger toward an individual fester and grow, or if you will throw it out so that it can no longer traumatize you.
You have more power than you think. And can I be real with you for a moment? Woman to woman?
Listen, I know we are already instructed by society as how a woman should behave. I also know that more often than not, the woman is the one who is expected to be more forgiving, gracious....lest she then be criticized for being a bitter and hateful shrew. It's exhausting. So my words today do not come from a place of believing that women should just grin and bear it and get over it. What I do want for you is peace. I want your heart healed and I want your soul to come alive again. It is hard to do that when one harbors unforgiveness and anger in our roots. Choosing to live with a heart that holds gratitude and extends forgiveness transforms you. Trust me when I say, people take notice. The very act of kindness and forgiveness toward your offender is a catalyst. It inspires others to consider their own grief and how to move forward through it.
Plus, it keeps us from keying our ex's car and out of jail! (I kid, I kid).
I leave you with a couple of verses that I love:
"Get ride of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32
"Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:13
Your Dream BuildHer Bestie,
Tiffany Rhea
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