Coastal Sunset stock photo by Styled Stock Society
I started this blog and this concept of DreambuildHer as a way to document my own journey as I ventured into a new career space, as well as a way to encourage my fellow female friends who were embarking on their own journeys and stages of dream builds. Due to the fact that I was going through a career change, naturally, I grativated toward talking about business and entrepreneurship and how not to give up when the going gets tough.
Lately, however, it has been more of a space for me to unload as my mental health has really taken a hit this last year.
I look fine. By all accounts, you would never assume that I am really struggling with life right now. I am getting married. I have friends. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in Southern California. I have more access to resources and opportunities than I have ever had in my entire life. My children adore me and I adore them. I have a great relationship with my soon to be step daughters. Really, truly, everything is magical and wonderful.
So, why do I feel like shit on the inside?
Please forgive me for cursing. My filter is a bit off right now. I know some of you are sensitive to language and I recognize that, but it is 100% how I feel.
This last year has been the biggest emotional and mental test, falling right under going through a divorce and having to start all over. In hindsight, I will probably look back at all of this and ask myself why I so dramatic over every disappointment and misstep and question. I hate failure. I hate mistakes. I would never allow any friend of mine to call themselves stupid or crazy for trying to go after something bigger than themselves, but here I find myself, calling myself stupid and absolutely insane to have to the audacity to believe that I could do this.
I sound like a broken record, probably. I compare myself to a lot of other women who are out there crushing it. They somehow manage to pass exams on the first try. Land that big deal they were working toward. Make those connections and obtain big wins. They seem to have no worries and all the confidence in the world, and things appear to come easily for them. I know deep down it is not true. I know because many of you have shared your own stories about the difficulties and the failures and let-downs you have experienced. And I am grateful for that vulnerability. Not because I want you to fail, but because it means I am not alone.
You aren't alone.
But let's be real. This just sucks. I hate false positivitiy. I hate when people, in their effort to encourage you, tell you to just brush it off and be happy. "Don't worry about it," they love to say. That it isn't too bad, you are so close and that you will get them next time.
I think it is okay to allow people to grieve disappointments. Sure, you and I not reaching a specific goal might not be the equivalent of someone facing cancer and fighting for their life, but that doesn't mean that your struggle and disappointment should just be brushed off. I want to scream at the air and tell the sky how pissed off I am. How tired I am.
Dreaming and doing is not for the faint of heart. Heck, living life is not for the faint of heart. It is not for those who want to whine and it is not for those who have their hand out expecting the world to give them something, believing they are entitled to it. All that to say, sometimes, we need a little respite from the emotional highs and lows that come along as we march our way through those beautiful dreams we have building up in our heads and hearts.
Today, while driving home from an appointment, the song by Jelly Roll (who is so awesome by the way, and I can't wait to see him in concert one day) titled "I Am Not Okay" popped on. Talk about relatable. When things are rough, I have developed the skill of smiling and saying "I am fine." I appreciated the authenticity in the lyrics, the truth behind the words that most of us are trying to get by and get through whatever it is we may be facing. I also, oddly enough, could hear the weariness and vulnerability in his voice as the song continued. Sometimes, while hanging on and pushing through, we get tired. I know I am tired. Mentally and emotionally tapped out. Which sucks for the people who love me and who want connection with me.
I like to think of this as a race. Not a sprint, but like a marathon of sorts. It seems that every few miles (read: years), I experience what I like to call a sifting of oneself. Others might use the term refining, and that certainly applies. However, I have definitely felt like I have been sifted like flour more than refined by fire. All of the lumps and bumps and imperfections and lies shifted and pulled a part from the smooth and truthful parts of myself, creating a more complete and lighter base for my life. This allows me to have a more accurate measurement of what to add to my life, which we all knows provides a better result. (Sifted flour makes for better batters and doughs, for all you bakers out there).
This sifting of oneself is not as therapeutic as baking a cake, unfortunately. I can't just play music and drink a glass of moscato and sing away like I normally would. I WISH! But that is not the case. It is a little more painful, a tad traumatic, with me adding dramatics to it all. I mean, what's a story without some climax. Ha! Don't get me wrong. Eventually, things start to get better. They usually do. I am not a fan of languishing in victimhood. I I recall a quote from Maya Angelou: "We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated."
Such is life. That is how all of our stories go. It is hard. It is also good. Such an oxymoronic statement, yet it rings true all the same.
It is that sifting, that forging, that refining that shows us who and what we are ultimately made of. Do we whine and allow ourselves to succumb to the negative thoughts of failure and missed opportunity and become whiny victims? Do we rise from the ashes like a phoenix and soar even higher with renewed vigor? I prefer the latter, personally.
What can one learn about themselves during their year (or years) of hard and good dream building? For me personally, I have learned that I am a silent sufferer. It is a struggle to open up to those closest to me and let them know just how rough on the inside it is. Still learning that it is okay to ask for help, and that it says nothing about my capabilities. I am a slow learner though, because this is still taking me years to learn. The risk of exposing my inner thoughts and my soul is very challenging.
I suppose that is part of the process. Yes. It is part of the process. Isn't that what I have been sharing with y'all for so long? Dreaming and then stepping forth into those dreams in order to make them a reality is hard and it is good. There are no step by step directions on how to do this. Sure, we can read copious amounts of business and self help books to help us through it al, but at some point, we gotta do the things we are reading about. Other wise, we are stuck in the same place we began.
Embracing the hard parts of dreaming and building is that you grow really thick skin. Something primal and fierce begins to develop inside you. You get to choose between becoming hardened and bitter, or you can choose to suture your wounds and continue forward. Even if moving forward means changing direction or even changing your mind. Even if it means quitting what you are currently doing, and instead doing what you really want to do. What you are called to do.
Wait. What?
Yeah. That's the hard part that no one likes to talk about or admit. We worry so much about disappointing others and those who believed in us and encouraged us that the very idea of telling those people that what you are doing isn't what you really want to do is unnerving. I hate disappointing people, but at the same time, I hate feeling like I am living someone else’s life and not where I am supposed to be. I am sure a lot of you may feel the same way. We can’t live our lives trying to appease others and making the feel better. At some point, we have to be okay with disappointing people.
Doesn’t mean we have to like it though.
Then, there is the good. The chunks of our journey that we live for, that allow us to keep going. The sliver of silver lining events that provide us with just enough momentum to continue on the path that we are on regardless of how difficult everything else may have been. You know that moment. When the words "it was all worth it" are spoken through bared teeth in an exuberant smile. We hear the tales of others who have walked similar roads, who experienced every no, had hundreds of doors slammed in their faces and their worth and value questioned and criticized by countless others......all for them to come on the other side to encourage us still within our striving to keep going.
The good is coming.
Don't give up.
It will all be worth it.
The magic isn't found in the dreaming. That is the fun part. Magic is discovered while we are doing and trying and piecing together every attempt in order to create what we envisioned in our imaginations.
Embrace the hard and the good of it all.
It will all be worth it.
Rooting you on.
Your Dream Buildher Bestie,
Tiffany Rhea
Disclaimer: This post may contain affiliate links throughout and should a purchase be made, I do receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. I will never promote or share a product/service that I don't personally use or believe in. Thank you for being here.
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